A Cat’s Performance Review of Its Humans

We asked our office cat to fill in a performance review for the humans in her life. She was fair but firm, and there are several action items for next quarter.

A Brief Feline Analysis

Our cat correspondent has reviewed the footage and filed the following observations, most of them accusatory.

• The cat was aware of the camera
• The cat did not care about the camera
• The glass was on the edge of the table for a reason

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

As always, the cat has declined to comment and has knocked our microphone off the desk.

A quick note on how this post came together: the idea arrived in our tips inbox, survived two editorial meetings, one argument about whether it was actually funny, and a vote that was decided by the office cat walking across the keyboard. We cleaned it up, checked every detail, and added only the jokes we could defend in front of our mothers.

The Part Where We Explain Ourselves

Meets expectations in food delivery. Needs improvement in lap availability. We tested every line on at least three coworkers, one houseplant, and a very patient delivery driver. Two out of five laughed, which in comedy is basically a standing ovation.

There is a science to this, sort of. The best jokes are short, specific, and a little bit true. They make you picture something you have seen before, then twist it just enough that your brain trips over its own feet. That tiny stumble is the laugh. Everything else is timing, and timing is mostly knowing when to stop talking.

Which is exactly what we should do now. But before we go, a confession: half of these were rejected the first time we pitched them. Our editor wrote “no” in the margin, then “fine” underneath it, then a small drawing of a frog. We are still not sure what the frog means, but we have decided to take it as a compliment.

Got a better one? Leave it in the comments below. The best reader submission each week gets pinned, framed, and read aloud at our Friday stand-up, whether you like it or not.