Open Mic Survival Tips From Someone Who Bombed Twice

I have bombed at open mic twice. Once because of a heckler and once because of a pigeon. These are the lessons I learned, so you can bomb in new and exciting ways.

Lessons From the Open Mic

Five minutes on stage teaches you more than five years of practicing in the shower. Here is what the microphone taught us.

• Silence is louder than any heckler
• Your best joke is the one you almost cut
• Always know where the exit is

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Victor Borge

Come to our next reader meetup. We save the front row for people who laugh at everything.

A quick note on how this post came together: the idea arrived in our tips inbox, survived two editorial meetings, one argument about whether it was actually funny, and a vote that was decided by the office cat walking across the keyboard. We cleaned it up, checked every detail, and added only the jokes we could defend in front of our mothers.

The Part Where We Explain Ourselves

Two bad nights, one good lesson, and a list of things not to say to a heckler. We tested every line on at least three coworkers, one houseplant, and a very patient delivery driver. Two out of five laughed, which in comedy is basically a standing ovation.

There is a science to this, sort of. The best jokes are short, specific, and a little bit true. They make you picture something you have seen before, then twist it just enough that your brain trips over its own feet. That tiny stumble is the laugh. Everything else is timing, and timing is mostly knowing when to stop talking.

Which is exactly what we should do now. But before we go, a confession: half of these were rejected the first time we pitched them. Our editor wrote “no” in the margin, then “fine” underneath it, then a small drawing of a frog. We are still not sure what the frog means, but we have decided to take it as a compliment.

Got a better one? Leave it in the comments below. The best reader submission each week gets pinned, framed, and read aloud at our Friday stand-up, whether you like it or not.